Octagon Rooms

Marriage and The Bread Winner

Posted on: August 8th, 2016 by The Moderator 4 Comments

marriage

Welcome to The Octagon.

The Octagon: We appreciate your taking time out to join this chat session which is one of the first of many conversations to go on www.theoctagon.com.ng. This session will end at 5pm. We have two moderators in the room who will only offer guidance where necessary. Please feel free to openly share your thoughts and experiences. Let’s begin with some introductions before going into the discussion. Can everyone let us know who they are and share a bit about what they do? Thank you

Tolu: Hi everyone My name is Tolu. I’m married with 2 beautiful kids. I’ve been married for 3 years + but dated for 14 years on and off before marriage. I’m a Marketing Director for 2 F ‘n’ B brands and I love talking about relationships.

Alex: My name is Alexander Umole, I am married for 10 years with my wife Sola. We have 2 lovely girls. I work as minister/pastor with a church in Florida.

Uju: Hello everyone, Uju Okoye here. Public health physician in the US. Community advocate and entrepreneur. Always seeking ways to partner up and empower. Married for 6 years to Obi with one amazing child.

Kelo: Hi everyone my name is Kelo and I’m married, no kids yet. I run an online youth culture publication, an online fashion store amongst other things.

Joshua: Good evening. My name is Josh. Speaker and consultant based in the UK. I trust y’all are doing great.

The Octagon: We can begin and then the others will join in. According to a Research study, on the average, a larger percentage of adults said they agreed it’s generally better for a marriage if the husband earns more money than his wife. Their argument is usually related to issues of respect, egos, either party having to ask for funds, the kids feeling one party is ‘richer’ than the other, etc.  Do you think it’s important who earns more? What’s a family man to do to keep his marriage strong when she earns more? And how can a breadwinner wife best keep the love alive?

Alex: Someone said humorously that it takes finance to run romance. I agree that money is crucial to relationships.

Tolu: The male Ego is the bigger question. Another factor is up bringing of each person. Everyone has their expectations of what a marriage should be and that’s why couples need to discuss before getting married. Money is a not the issues its dealing with the money issues that the problem.

Uju: True. But in some cases, say if the man is in a field that is naturally lower paying. For example he may enjoy working with teenagers in impoverished communities, and she is in a naturally higher paying field. The problem may be behind the mine” thinking and not thinking “ours”. I think people set themselves up with expectations by looking outwardly instead of inwardly. Stop the comparisons to others, culture or otherwise.

Kelo: I think this boils down to our cultural “orientation” and the setting in which we were raised. I’m Igbo and the norm is that the man takes care of his wife and the wife is the one who he has chosen to “eat” his wealth.  So if the man fails to live up to this provider role society has created for him, he’s seen to be slacking.

Uju: Kelo, I am Igbo as well, and that same attitude sets ppl up to fail. I can’t imagine how stressed out that would make any man, struggling to step out into a field that he is passionate about, if it’s not as lucrative for a period of time.

Kelo: I agree with you Uju, I’m just creating the context

Alex: But in a marital situation the question of cultural orientation is key.

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4 Responses

  1. Ekundayo says:

    My name is Ekundayo and I am lady and a lover of Ribena. I work with a digital ad agency. First, God created men to be leaders of the family and by this, a young boy growing, knows that he is supposed to provide and cater for his family and has to work for this to be done. Women are dependent on men,at least that’s what the society has made us see and they are also created to support Men. Civilization brought education and this has changed the mindset of many women. They want to own their businesses and make their own money. Today, many women who earn more than their husbands often lie about their income so that the man doesn’t feel threatened by their success but the thing is there is no law in the past and present that says a man must earn higher than a woman before they can get married. We were told as kids that the breadwinner of the family is the father. Growing up and having several conversations with friends also made us know that the person that provides the basic needs in the house is the breadwinner. My opinion at this stage of my life is breadwinning is a joint effort. We are partners because we need to help each other. We do not need to let the society dictate who we should change the bulb in the house or who buys the car and fuels it. If you have the money to do it that minute, just do it. we know marriage is not easy but we need to make efforts to reduce the stress for not just your partner, but for you and the offspring involved. P.S: No matter how much a woman’s income is, she would still ask her man for his money

    All these said, how many men wouldn’t see a problem marrying someone who earns more?

  2. Ayodele Oluwafunsho says:

    Hi. My name is Ayodele Oluwafunsho, Married with two kids,9and2years respectively. I run a beauty palace and I’ve been a relationship therapist for 5years now,in my years of counselling singles,money and sex are the two big issues I have had to deal with thoroughly. A lot of us brought our upbringing about handling of the home into our marriages, even though the standards where not right. Well as far as growing up is concerned we were made to believe a man runs the house, because I could rememver every well then that ft every need as little as buying maggi,money was to be collected from the father. How many mothers were even working then? But it’s no longer the case now, u will heat ladies say,I can’t be asking him for money to buy bra and pants so I have yo make mybiwn money too. This idea of MINE has eaten deep into so many marriages that it takes grace now to rectify it. Like I shared on the Instagram page, Marriage is about taking responsibility, If u can’t its better u don’t go into it because in marriage all we have is WE US and OURS. I can’t remember when I bought something for myself by myself likewise my husband, he would prefer to be for me and the kids than for himself and same goes for me,I put his needs and that of the kids first too not because I want to impress him but because he won’t spend as little as 1000 on himself from his income. So I also do my best to make sure he doesn’t have an avenue to feel unhappy about his responsibilities. I make it a point of duty to always pack his breakfast and lunch for him to take yo the office. Life would be easy if we don’t place burdens on ourselves and start seeing one thing as somebody’s job. If financially bouyant to meet a need at the needed time, then what’s stopping me?

  3. Chadia Mathurin says:

    As it relates our God-given roles we were created to bear children; to be the receptacle and incubator for the man’s seed. Our God given purpose is to help the man fulfill his God-given instructions. Having said this, the woman’s purpose as it relates to staying in the home was not a purpose given by God but a purpose conferred upon her by time, age, circumstance and culture.

    The woman is not without a purpose outside the man. Her purpose was given to her by God and whatever it is that she has been called to be – doctor, lawyer, publicist, preacher – should help the man that she marries fulfill his. But there is no God-given mandate for the woman to remain within the home. There is no God-given law which states that the woman cannot work and toil just as the man.

    Whatever God has called the man to do, except outside the limitation of his biological design, the woman can do. She was given the same authority as the man to replenish the earth and subdue it.

    Genesis 1:27-29

    27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

    28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

    29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

  4. […] taking time out to join this chat session which is one of the first of many conversations to go on http://www.theoctagon.com.ng. This session will end at 5pm. We have two moderators in the room who will only offer guidance where […]

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