Octagon Rooms

Marriage and The Bread Winner

Posted on: August 8th, 2016 by The Moderator 4 Comments

Alex: It’s alarming that his wife kept it a secret from him. Sounds like a page from home movie. But things like that do happen.

Uju: Wow Josh, they obviously have a bigger issue. I am speechless. What people should also realize is that kids are watching. You don’t want to raise a son, who Lords over everyone because of his money, and a daughter who runs to every man who tosses money her way. It seems in previous generations, men and women were ok with starting off low and building together. Now in society because of these expectations, the man expects to be on top as the provider and the women expect them to as well.

Joshua: The law favours women here alot. Men are easily emasculated, many of our Caucasian friends have such a different view of marriage than our traditional brothers.

The Octagon: Going from the angle where the relationship is built solidly on “what’s mine is yours”, do you believe in Joint accounts ? If not, why? what are the pros and cons.

Alex: When we started out married, my wife earned more than I did. But it didn’t matter bcos my wife generally is very respectful. Trust Yoruba women! Again we had joint accounts from the start, and it was not a matter of who earned what but we pulled out resources together and worked with a monthly budget and individual spending limit. Pros – unity and combined earnings can lead to higher investment power. Cons- one person may feel they are brining in the most income and thereby losing. And the other one may be a spender.

Uju: For practical reasons especially, they make sense. In some cases, individual accounts may have already been created in the past for loans and all. More than even joint accounts, but planning ahead. What if one party dies early? People need to take that into consideration. What about inherited debts? As a society, I don’t think the younger generation of Nigerians consider these things.

Tolu: Personally I believe in a joint account for a purpose or goal (buying a house, school fees ).

The Octagon: It is apparent that alot of the issues surrounding this is rooted in orientation and culture. Is there anything that can be done to ensure that in the future this is less of an issue? What arm of the society should be responsible to champion this ?

Uju: I think that should be us, through conversations like this on public and private platforms, with friends and family.

Alex: Dave Ramsey talks about this situation. For Budget I recommend everydollar.com

Joshua: We should educate the youth on principles and how to be responsible individuals. There is a great misconception flying about the media these days and what makes marriage and relationship work. And to see how they interpret things is very concerning.

Tolu: I believe we need to teach our children instill; values to our young boys and girls a lot of what you see today from Men and Women is what they either were taught or what they learnt from watching their parents. Another key point is Couples understanding that they are not Competing against each other. It’s “Them” against the world … No ones sees what’s going on in the house all the world sees is what you show them. We are meant to complement each other when you don’t have and I have =We have and vice versa it should never be I have, you don’t have, marriage has made Us ONE.

Uju: Love that Tolu. The world sees what we show them. If we show a balanced see saw, that’s what they see. They don’t see how many times it wasn’t balanced!

The Octagon: We will be ending this conversation in 5 minutes. Can everyone share some last points.

Alex: Like someone said, couples are no meant to compete but complete!

Uju: For me it will be to know yourselves and discover what works for you both. It’s a joint venture.

Kelo: I’ll echo Uju here; know yourselves and discover what works for you.

The Octagon: Thank you so much for being a part of this conversation. We will definitely like to have everyone back in other rooms in the future.

 

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4 Responses

  1. Ekundayo says:

    My name is Ekundayo and I am lady and a lover of Ribena. I work with a digital ad agency. First, God created men to be leaders of the family and by this, a young boy growing, knows that he is supposed to provide and cater for his family and has to work for this to be done. Women are dependent on men,at least that’s what the society has made us see and they are also created to support Men. Civilization brought education and this has changed the mindset of many women. They want to own their businesses and make their own money. Today, many women who earn more than their husbands often lie about their income so that the man doesn’t feel threatened by their success but the thing is there is no law in the past and present that says a man must earn higher than a woman before they can get married. We were told as kids that the breadwinner of the family is the father. Growing up and having several conversations with friends also made us know that the person that provides the basic needs in the house is the breadwinner. My opinion at this stage of my life is breadwinning is a joint effort. We are partners because we need to help each other. We do not need to let the society dictate who we should change the bulb in the house or who buys the car and fuels it. If you have the money to do it that minute, just do it. we know marriage is not easy but we need to make efforts to reduce the stress for not just your partner, but for you and the offspring involved. P.S: No matter how much a woman’s income is, she would still ask her man for his money

    All these said, how many men wouldn’t see a problem marrying someone who earns more?

  2. Ayodele Oluwafunsho says:

    Hi. My name is Ayodele Oluwafunsho, Married with two kids,9and2years respectively. I run a beauty palace and I’ve been a relationship therapist for 5years now,in my years of counselling singles,money and sex are the two big issues I have had to deal with thoroughly. A lot of us brought our upbringing about handling of the home into our marriages, even though the standards where not right. Well as far as growing up is concerned we were made to believe a man runs the house, because I could rememver every well then that ft every need as little as buying maggi,money was to be collected from the father. How many mothers were even working then? But it’s no longer the case now, u will heat ladies say,I can’t be asking him for money to buy bra and pants so I have yo make mybiwn money too. This idea of MINE has eaten deep into so many marriages that it takes grace now to rectify it. Like I shared on the Instagram page, Marriage is about taking responsibility, If u can’t its better u don’t go into it because in marriage all we have is WE US and OURS. I can’t remember when I bought something for myself by myself likewise my husband, he would prefer to be for me and the kids than for himself and same goes for me,I put his needs and that of the kids first too not because I want to impress him but because he won’t spend as little as 1000 on himself from his income. So I also do my best to make sure he doesn’t have an avenue to feel unhappy about his responsibilities. I make it a point of duty to always pack his breakfast and lunch for him to take yo the office. Life would be easy if we don’t place burdens on ourselves and start seeing one thing as somebody’s job. If financially bouyant to meet a need at the needed time, then what’s stopping me?

  3. Chadia Mathurin says:

    As it relates our God-given roles we were created to bear children; to be the receptacle and incubator for the man’s seed. Our God given purpose is to help the man fulfill his God-given instructions. Having said this, the woman’s purpose as it relates to staying in the home was not a purpose given by God but a purpose conferred upon her by time, age, circumstance and culture.

    The woman is not without a purpose outside the man. Her purpose was given to her by God and whatever it is that she has been called to be – doctor, lawyer, publicist, preacher – should help the man that she marries fulfill his. But there is no God-given mandate for the woman to remain within the home. There is no God-given law which states that the woman cannot work and toil just as the man.

    Whatever God has called the man to do, except outside the limitation of his biological design, the woman can do. She was given the same authority as the man to replenish the earth and subdue it.

    Genesis 1:27-29

    27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

    28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

    29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

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